Back Door Awning.

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

So did I mention the piece of poop ugly one I purchased broke?  Yup.  Broke.  Busted.  Crapped out.

Doh.  Ugh.
And what's worse is it hadn't even been up for a year maybe.  Just bloop, done.  I can't remember the length of time exactly, my brain has been too full lately, not much is getting in or out.  Ah, here's install day.

Either way, I wrote a poopy review of the awning over on Amazon * (don't buy one).  Shockingly, or not, the seller contacted me with a bribe:  I give you twenty bucks (or something similarly unsatisfactory), you change the review to five stars.

Ha!  Pffft.  Nope, no can do, sorry 'boutcha.

Tell you what, I said, if you give me a full refund, I'll amend my review to further note customer service is decent, leaving that this awning is still a piece of crap, but I will not give you five stars.

After more haggling, me sticking to my guns, the seller in complete panic mode over my one star review, a refund was issued.  As such, I held up my end of the bargain.

So that was good.

What wasn't good was the lack of awning at the back door now.  Well ok, so part was still attached and blocking some wet weather while key fumbling.  But it had to go.

Eventually I scribbled something up on the ol' computer using that spiffy AutoCAD* stuff.  But trust me, you don't need a computer to draw something up.  Pencil and paper do just fine.

On paper, good theory there Beckster.
But so I finally finally finally had a game plan after the massive amount of pondering I had done.

The goal was to reuse the existing holes in the house, yes, smart, and then also reuse the plastic sheeting material.  The rest went to the recycle bin, aka stolen out of the alley as it sat next to the recycle bin.

(FYI, if you ever want something to disappear and disappear fast [except a body, come on now...], leave it in a Chicago alley.)

Off to the second home for supplies I went, picking up one stick of one by two by eight cedar and two sticks o' one by four by eight cedar.  First time ever using cedar, I felt so fancy pants!  Ya know, struttin' through the store, hey, look at me, I'm buying cedar.

Oh and galvanized screws.*

And who knew cedar was so darn lightweight and easy to work with?  Not I, but I do now.  Or at least the lumber I picked up was anyway.  And it still had a whiff of cedar scent left to it, mmmm mm, love that smell.

Mmmk!  First I cut the backing piece to a foot long then drilled out the holes to send the hanging hardware through.

Twelve inches long there, holes marked for drilling.
Next, cut the one by two to two foot six inches long.  Yes, I loped off the three quarter measure.  No biggie.

Propping that piece up with scrap wood, I got the one by two centered on the one by four in the spot I drew up.  From behind, a couple pilot holes, a dab dab of Gorilla glue,* then a coupla screws to hold it all together.   Mwah, perfect.

Right on, this is going swimmingly.  Should I be scared?
Clip a fifteen degree angle on one end of a one by four and let's keep on keepin' on.

Now I had to get fancy with an angle cut on the one by four.  Hm.  It's too big for the miter saw.  Oh.  Heh.  Uh, by hand.  Ya know, the way you do things like this.

To get my eighty five-ish degree angle, I laid the one by two over the one by four, or vice versa, whichever works, and penciled in my line.  Or a protractor would work.  Yep.

Using the spiffy saw I won from Instructables thanks to you all voting for me, I sliced away.

Hey look, a sharp angle!
Mmm, smelled good too.

No idea why that previous sentence made me think of Molly Shannon's character.
All righty, moving on.

Some glue, some screws,...

Handy tip:  use a screw as a guide for drilling those pilot holes so you know exactly where to land.
...and one bracket is done and done!  Woot!  Right on, that was easy.  I was waiting for the first shoe to drop, ya know, Murphy's Law being my middle name and all.  But it didn't drop so I kept on rollin'.

Here I'm thinkin' yeah, this plan is gonna be good!  Yeah!
Then lo, three brackets done!  Whoa, this is great!

Ok!  Time to move the operation outdoors.  Here's where the first shoe dropped.  And everything slid downhill.

Now, do not be like me and waste a full frickin' hour of damn your life f'in' around with those damn freakin' toggle* thingamajigs.  Instead, put them on the right way.  This is not the first time I've done this.  This is the first time I've wasted a solid hour though.  No doubt it won't be the last.

THIS IS THE WAY THE TOGGLE SHOULD FACE!  PLEASE DON'T FORGET!
It wasn't until I was in the shower later thinking about the mechanics of those damn freakin' toggles that it dawned on me that I was the a**hole here, putting them in the hole in reverse.  Uh yeah, that's why they will not stay, you doofus.


Right.  So after the shower and the place I had to be, I beelined home and immediately got the first bracket up, easy peasy lemon squeezy.  Doh.

Ah yes.  At last.  First bracket.  First inkling this isn't going to look as good as it did in my head.
Then I don't like the stain.  I used some of the leftover deck stain that I didn't like on the deck thinking maybe I'd like it on the brackets.

Nope.  Way too contrasty with the siding.  Despite the image above.

So I swing by the second home again and get one a' those lil' sample size solid color stains in a gray thinking it'll blend in with the siding.  And with a chip brush, I roughly slather the stain on.  Mmk, fine, no big whoop, it works enough.

Get down from ladder.  Hm.  Ok, not really.  Looks a bit uh, worn barn.  Bleeh.  I may go back and solid color it solid color it.  Shoulda left it to age itself.  Sigh.

But all right, gotta keep going, it's supposed to rain tonight and tomorrow.

After some fussing and fighting, the remaining brackets are up and color readjusted.

Hm.  Gray sky, gray stain, kinda like the direction my mood was turning, gray.  This is a heavy look.
And exactly here is where everything turned ugly, as in visually ugly, yuck, it looks terrible and cheap and awful and this is probably the worst thing I've ever done.  Yuck.

Using some itty bitty screws* and some fender washers,* I screw on the plastic sheeting material.  Holy cats and dogs people, that looks like a**.  Total a**.

I'd spell it all out but I don't want to get in any Google trouble.

Regardless.

What did I do to deserve this ugliness?
Wow.

I mean, I was dumbfounded.  Speechless.  Embarrassed for myself.  Checked around the neighboring yards, see if anyone was watching this train wreck unfold.

How did things go so damn awry here?

I seriously considered never DIY'ing anything ever again.  Questioning my life.  Ugh.

Good thing I planned for it to look like a** and bought this four by eight roll of reed* whoo-ha stuff.  I mean, yeah, no doubt, I was absolutely concerned about throwing it on there, that we'd end up with a ticky tacky island hut trashy bar theme.

Kind of amazing the price tag on these things.  Ten bucks.  I waited for a sale though.  But the storm door latches.
And yeah, that's what I ended up with.  But.  From the deck, the view isn't horrendous.  From under the awning?  Yeah, it's horrendous.

Standing on the deck, "admiring" my handiwork.  Omg, what did I do....
And, that plastic sheeting material isn't terribly strong so come first heavy wet snow, no doubt this bugger is gonna fail dismally.

Oooooooooooomg this is so bad.
Sooooooo, heh, long story short, I'ma gonna have to-ah, uh, revisit-uh this whole contraption-ah.  Yay me.

Hopefully it'll get us through a few rains and I'll come up with a grand solution sometime this summer.

On the up side?  My shoulder worked.  And that there is mighty good stuff.

Gosh I hope Mike doesn't laugh his butt off when he sees this.  Or knowing him, either laugh his butt off or try to politely but not politely say "hey babe, that looks like a**."

Humboldt Park's first ever Ticky Tacky Tiki Hut Island Bar.  I will say in this photo it's not too too terrible.  Unless I'm deluding myself into denial.
Later......Not sure exactly what prompted Mike to peer out a garage window towards the house as I met him in the garage that evening.  "Aaahhhh yeah, someone was busy, huh?  ........Huh!"

Babe, it's bad.

"Oh.  Really?  It is?"  Peers back out.  "Ok, well, uh all right."

Yeah, just don't look up while you're under it.

"Oh.  Really?  Uh, ok.  Well, it needed doing so...."

Not a peep since.  Yikes.

*The door awning, galvanized screws, Gorilla glue, toggles, Spax screws, fender washers, and reed fencing are Amazon affiliate links.  The AutoCAD link is an AutoDesk affiliate link.  Mwah, thanks!  Please see the "boring stuff" tab for more info.

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